Friday, April 15, 2005

Not scared of Hell

I have this peculiar attitude: I'm not scared of Hell. It's not that I feel cocky, but it's rather that I feel resigned to my fate, if that is what God deemed me to get. So I shall get thrown into Hellfire? so be it. I asked for it anyways. After all those guidelines, hidayahs, knowledge, I still chose the path to doom time and time again. That is what I deserve then.

Of course I tried to avoid Hell. Of course, given Hell or Heaven, I would choose the latter without even stopping to think. But what if God's creed dictates otherwise? who am I to plea against the Infinite Justice? Yes, God is also Infinite in His Mercy, but what if He chose that I am not even worth considering?

To make matters worse, I am not even one for repenting. Oupp, don't get me wrong here. Doesn't mean I don't want to improve myself for the better; I just find it hard to make an effort to ask for God's forgiveness for what I have already done. I see them as the irreversible past. The minus score has been given. I might get higher score later through super duper noble good deeds (if their worth won't get thrown out of the window first because of my self-congratulatory nature, that is), that might offset my past demerits, and indeed, these are among the goals that I am striving for. But what if they are not enough? That's it, then, I'd say. I'm screwed. Maybe not for eternity, since I still believe in one God, but what goes around, comes around, I guess.

Something's wrong with me somewhere... hmm.

Heck, maybe I AM too cocky. Maybe I am underestimating the horrors there are in Hell. That I think I am going to experience suffering only at the level I can consciously think of, like being bitten on the nose by a mosquito while my arms and legs are tied, or being forced to listen to chalkboard scraping for eternity, or force-fed to watch crappy TV shows for another couple of eternities.

Maybe I am cocky coz the punishment isn't here yet, so I can talk big all I want, without realizing that later I have to stuff my foot in my mouth.

Maybe, maybe.

But I do have one true fear. I fear that my action, or inaction, would somehow cause somebody else to suffer, be it now or in the hereafter. I really take this seriously. It's ok if I got thrown to Hell because of my own doing, but somebody else because of me? Noooo, I'd rather jump in their place and experience Hell multiple times than let others take the brunt of my wrongdoings (Again, talking big here eh?).

And now that I am in the leadership position, now that people are relying on me to lead them to Heaven or Hell, I am in a much more catalytical position than I was bargaining for.

I am scared. Really, really scared.

4 Comments:

Blogger hazreen harith said...

mmm,tak kisah byk mana kita buat salah or how lame we think they were or how insignificant we think repenting is, it is still required on our parts i.e. it's the first step for us utk move further (in the right/good direction that is). alang kan rasulullah SAW yg tak berdosa pun repented 100 times/day..
oh, and don't worry bout others being thrown into hell for you psl rest assured, as long as we're involved consciously or unconsciously, each of us will get our part =) (rather =S). then again, being in a leadership position is the hardest and most confusing (at least that's what i think), psl the final word is yours. Allahu'alam.
may He grant you, your support system and us the strength to do that which is more pleasing to Him. ameen.

9:00 AM, April 17, 2005  
Blogger haya_shiloh said...

ameen.

8:20 PM, April 17, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

saya takut hantu.
kalau saya hantu,
tak takut sangat.

10:38 PM, April 17, 2005  
Blogger Azazil Arashi said...

wow, you do sound too cocky. anyway, i found your writings are amusing. i like bloghopping, cause once in a while i'll come across blog like yours.

2:08 AM, April 23, 2005  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home